Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control...Week 3

This week is hard. I have been putting off doing my homework all week. Why is it hard? Because this week we had to look at ourselves and our own fears.


The role play this week was a woman who was frustrated with her child and her husband helped her realize that she was just afraid because of things that had happened to her in her own past. That rang a bell for me! I realize that I spend SO much time thinking…thinking about what my girls are thinking, what effect my words will have on them for their eternities, what I’m doing and saying that is WRONG.

Do I ever stop and think about what I do that is RIGHT?

And why don’t I? Why can’t I toot my own horn every once in a while and say, “damn, I’m good!”

What would that do to my psyche? How would that unravel the hurts from my past?

In my childhood I was alone a lot. My mother worked full time trying to make ends meet. I took care of myself a lot. I ached for attention from anywhere that I could get it. My father would pick me up twice a week and I would visit with him. I worked VERY hard to get my father’s love and affection. The way I got it was to be perfect. To be good at everything I tried…and not try anything that I wasn’t perfect at.

Whoa! Brakes ON!!!

Who, among you, have looked at yourself as a mother and said, “I just knew I was going to be perfect at this, and I AM!”???? I DID think I was going to be perfect at being a mother. The problem is, no mother is ever perfect. No BODY is ever perfect. For me, this lack of perfection eats at me day and night.

If I’m not perfect at it, I cannot do it.

So, I don’t cut myself slack. I don’t cut my CHILDREN slack! You MUST get along with your sister. You MUST do your homework willingly and correctly each night. You MUST be respectful of your elders…on and on and on…

And the reality is, I have raised pretty wonderful girls so far.

So what is my work? To do things that I’m not perfect at? To let that fear of failing go? To realize that my children are who THEY are and are not ever going to be what I WANT them to be? What do I want them to be? Strong, sensitive, happy, emotionally healthy…all good things. Do I care if they are on honor roll each semester? It would be nice,  but NOT at the expense of the other qualities I wish for them.

This is what I must hold onto. To let my girls evolve into who THEY are. To help them, hold them and nurture them and watch their lives unfold. To stop my own fear of not being good enough and to embrace them for the perfect little beings that they are.

1 comment:

  1. Hi "Perfect Leslie,"

    I think you are wonderful, just as you are. I'm glad you're not that "PERFECT" human being, because then I'd question myself constantly while near you. Since I like you the way you are, you are a joy to be around.

    Your understanding of, and patience with, your own imperfection allows me to encourage the same in myself.

    Love you,