Grateful

People ask me what it's like having a relationship with my daughter's birthmother. 

It's different, nothing like any other relationship I've ever had

It's hard, boundaries are not my strong suit

It's emotionally draining sometimes

but it's also

amazing

honest

open

and one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given.

These photos are of the gifts that arrived in the mail for all three of my girls today. They are from my middle child's birthmother (she's the only one that we know/keep in touch with currently). 

Notice the details...

She sends gifts for ALL three girls, not just her biological daughter.

Each child's gift is wrapped in their "own" paper.

There are multiple gifts for each child.

Each child's "favorite things" are present...

And this is all from a woman who has struggled on many levels for most of her life. I won't divulge the details, that's her story. 

And, yet, she has the emotional amazingness to pull THIS off. She is one of the most thoughtful, generous and loving women I know. For almost 11 years she has sent packages to the girls for every holiday and their birthdays. She always sends something for each of them, asking me in advance what they are interested in and what sizes they are wearing. She has very limited discretionary income and no car, yet she manages to purchase, wrap, package and ship goodies to us multiple times each year.

Because of her, I am able to educate my children about what it's like to be human. What it's like to love unconditionally and to accept people into your heart.

During the month of December, my youngest child kept checking the mail each day, anxiously waiting for a package to arrive. I asked her one day, "what is it that you're waiting for?" 

I knew what she was waiting for. She was waiting for something that will never come and my heart ached for her.

"Are you waiting for a package from YOUR birthmother?"

"Yes," she answered quietly from across the table.

It was that moment that I became even more grateful for #2's birthmother. 

I explained to my youngest that we would most likely never get a package from her birthmother, that, as much as she may want to, she's very far away, does not have our address and does not have the resources to send us gifts. I explained that we have a very special situation, that most adopted children never receive gifts from their biological families, let alone know and communicate with them.

Tough stuff. Heart breaking stuff. But THIS is the stuff that makes us human. To feel, to grieve, to trust, to love...

and to be grateful.

and that I am.

Labeling en Vogue for ADHD'ers!

Hello! I have decided to start writing again! Some of you found my writing inspiring, funny, helpful, maybe even entertaining at times...and that gives me the hope that you will, again, find some purpose for reading my writing. I'm excited to get back into a hobby that brought me so much joy in the past.

I do, however, pay attention to the number of "followers" I have...it lets me know that someone looks forward to reading a post...thereby giving me the incentive I need to keep going. (Wasn't that a clever way to bribe you to read my blog more?)

Let's get right down to business...

I'm thinking of sending this photo to CHADD, an organization dedicated to educating and helping adults and children with ADD, in hopes that I win some multimillion dollar prize and pay off all of my debt! Wouldn't that be wonderful??

I know, it's not THAT good of a photo...but it is a glimpse into the life of a child with ADHD: when my 9 year old daughter, Jolee, remembers that there are baby birds living in our birdhouse she will NOT be able to resist the temptation to reach in and hold them...again.

We had friends over to celebrate Memorial Day in our traditional fashion...mellow afternoon, kids playing, adults socializing. Normal stuff.

All of a sudden I overhear a friend's daughter explain that she had just held a baby bird "so small that it didn't have any feathers and it's eyes weren't open!"

JOLEE! (said in the same tone Jerry Seinfeld used when he said "NEWMAN!"

I had purposely kept the birds secret. I had TRIED to keep it secret, anyway. But on that fateful Memorial Day I knew that my efforts had been thwarted. Jolee had discovered the birds all on her own and had been in there picking them up and putting them back in! I feared the tale was true, that the momma chickadee wouldn't come back to her babies once she smelled the scent of humans.

Luckily that legend does not pertain to THIS family of chickadees!

Momma AND Pappa were back in no time checking in on their babies.

Now, most people would say that I'm irresponsible leaving a nesting box within kid's reach. I was starting to believe that myself.

But then I remembered a piece of advice suggesting that labeling things makes it easier for children (and adults for that matter) to remember where things go and what activities to do. ie. I have all of my older daughter's drawers labeled to help her remember that things DO fit in the dresser...you just need to put things in their places. The bonus is that she feels like she has more clothes because she can see everything clearly.

So I labeled the birdhouse. 

Now, hopefully, when Jolee is tempted to reach in and see how the chicks are doing (which she most likely will some moment very soon) she will see the "stop" sign and remember.

And this is a photo of some doodling I did based on what I decided to do with my afternoon...
that's right! Have fun.

and I hope you've had a least a little bit of fun reading this post! Thanks for taking the time to read my musings.

Expressions of Life

I have fallen in love.
Fallen in love with yoga.
It allows me to surrender, to feel, to love, to Be.
and it allows my body a certain stillness that cannot be achieved in day to day life.
I can push myself, feel my outer limits of strength and then curl into myself and honor who I am and what I have within myself...strength, peace, kindness and love.

A few weeks ago I had an amazingly moving experience while practicing yoga at Jai Yoga in Brunswick. My teacher, Jen, is 7 months pregnant. She exudes confidence, patience, calmness and is absolutely beautiful in her expression of her pregnancy.

I was positioned in a corner of the studio, looking out the large windows. The sky outside was a brilliant blue, a few puffy white clouds hung in the air. I gazed down to the crowded parking lot where my van was parked. My van holding my old, decrepit black lab, Gracy.

I was so struck by the dichotomy of my experience. To my right was the perfect expression of life. A beautiful, vivacious, living woman growing a perfect expression of life in her womb. Just outside the window lay my Gracy Lou who, at 14, is at the end of her life. Her hips are failing her, her body is not strong, her hearing is gone, her vision blurry. The perfect expression of  life ending in my van.

I had to hold back my tears. Not tears of sadness...mind you, but tears of experience. The joy of new life, the reflection of a life of happiness with my dog.

As you move through your life today, try to reflect on life...what around you is the perfect expression of life? Of death?

Spring is the perfect time for this reflection. Everything is new...new beginnings...the plants burst forth and put forward their perfect expression of life, baby animals are being born, each of us feel enlivened and ready for our fresh start that is Spring.

And death...what is dying in you? What can you leave behind with the cold and darkness of winter? Don't just put it on a shelf for next year. See if you can release it in the eastern wind that blows the coldness and staleness away.

I dare you.

Art Journaling...Fear

I took an on-line parenting course a couple of years ago led by Heather Forbes. Her basic tenet is that there are only two underlying emotions: Fear and Love.

It took me a long time to wrap my brain around this concept...what about sadness and anger and happiness and all of the other emotions that I have? Well, what I discovered is that she's right...all of my "yucky" feelings are based in fear. All of my "good" feelings are based in love.

"This principle may be very difficult to grasp initially because we live in a fear-based society and anger is generally our immediate reaction to a threatening event. Seldon do we actually experience ourselves as being afraid. This emotion of fear, however, is the root of our anger. We avoid it because it feels safer to be in a place of anger (a protective feeling), while we feel exposed and vulnerable to be in a place of fear." states Heather Forbes in her book Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control.

Sharon Soneff has a bit on Fear in her book Art Journals & Creative Healing, "Phobias can be paralyzing, but even common fears can become obstacles to growth and achievement. Facing, on paper, that which we fear and dread is a wonderful stride toward facing those same things in our daily lives."

So what do we do with THAT? you might ask...

My challenge to you today is to open your journal and fill a page with fears. They can be irrational fears, real fears, silly fears...any fear that you might have. It's amazing what you find when you sit with fear for a few minutes. Take 15-20 minutes with this exercise and see where you get.

This is where I got:

For those of you who don't like to share your innermost thoughts and feelings for FEAR of someone else seeing them, fear not. We will be covering up this litany of fears in our next exercise....

Bored in Bed

she starts to fall....
she can feel herself falling farther....
and she finally crashes...

I cannot believe that I have been sick for so long. More than a week. A week ago, I was hit really hard...but it was days before that I felt myself sinking. I just never thought it would happen. I don't get sick. I keep going. I'm the energizer bunny! I am everything to everyone and still manage to keep strong!

Not this time.

Have I learned anything?

I have learned that it sucks to be idle. I have dreamed about this for a long time...imagining myself in an institution somewhere where I can just be heavily sedated and lay in bed and look outside all day. Well, it's not what it's cracked up to be, that's for sure. I am laying here. Moderately sedated...codeine takes the edge off, I guess...and I am looking outside. My dog is my trusty companion and jerry the cat comes and checks in every few hours or so. My door is locked so that the kids cannot just randomly come in and jump on me...it's kind of like that institution.

I've decided that I don't want that option.

I cannot do laundry.
I cannot clean the toilet
I cannot even take a shower! hannah, you do not want to KNOW how long it's been!!!

I have read 2 1/2 books
I have thought about writing...it would probably be a great time to write that novel in my head...
I have cried
I have found lots of monster faces in the trees outside
I have listened to the lovely tones of the wind chimes just outside my window...laura, the ones you got for us...remember?

and I have slept.

I think that codeine enhances dreams. wowza! I have been having dreams like crazy! and in most of them, I cannot stand up! I keep falling down. It's so annoying!!!

Such an interesting existence I have right now.

and my mind still wanders back to my little sister....
oh, I should be writing about that. SHOULD. that's such a big word....