Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Getting rid of guilt...

My goal this year is to learn how to take care of myself. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "you need to take care of yourself." What does that mean? It's funny how we give out that advice so freely to everyone else in our lives, but yet, we have no idea what it means for ourselves.

I'm starting by spending time by myself in Starbucks this morning. I dropped Jolee off at school, Meka and Elvia are home with Donny...Meka is home sick today...and I drove myself here, set up my computer and have been enjoying the peace and quiet of just being. I was able to do the Caring Bridge update with no interruptions. There's no laundry to do, no phone ringing, no child needing me, no vacuuming to do...completely guilt free.

Except for the guilt of actually taking the time to myself! But I'm trying to let that go. It's okay that I'm here, right? I feel badly leaving the kids at home with Donny...knowing that he's working and can't really "take care" of them. But, this is important for my emotional well being and the kids are probably fine.

My day in Boston yesterday was amazing. I felt such a strong connection with Caitlin. I haven't felt that in so long. I always wonder if she's being truthful with me, if she's just giving me lip service. She's upset me so much the past couple of times that I've seen her...acted like she doesn't care about me at all. So to see her yesterday and really BE with her was so wonderful. She looked so deeply into my eyes, I was able to say things to her that I've wanted to say for so long...things that I said while she was unconscious, but now she can hear. I loved holding her while the doctor talked to her about her injuries. I loved being there for her and for dad.

I'm finally getting "it" that Dad loves and appreciates me. I was so afraid at the beginning of this ordeal that this was the "icing on the cake" for dad not being my dad anymore. This accident has reshaped our family, really defining our roles and it's good. I think we all needed that. I work so hard to prove to dad that I'm worthy of his love...that I'm a good girl, that I'm smart, talented, a good mother, a good sister...blah, blah, blah....and what I didn't realize is that he loves me no matter what. He appreciates me for WHO I am and what I bring to the table with the family. I always wondered if he thought my "hippy trippy" ways were annoying...wondered if he thought I was too intrusive, talked to much, was too healy feely...but now I realize that he appreciates that in me. The fact that he was SO glad that I was there to be with Caitlin while the doctor talked to her solidified that for me.

Isn't it crazy that I'm 40 years old and am still looking for approval from my father???

And now I will go find some boots for dad at LLBean. Someone stole his from the hospital. Can you believe that? I feel bad for that person that stole them. What are they missing in their lives? Much more than father approval, that's for sure.

Today I am thankful for so much. For my wonderful, loving husband. For my three beautiful, fun and loving girls. For my big black dog and my snuggly cat. For being alive and well on this cold January day...

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