anniversaries...

Two years ago...wow. Two years ago I was enjoying a weekend getaway with my dear friend, Denise  and got the call that Caitlin had been in an accident. I remember thinking "oh, it's just another one of Caitlin's shananigans...she'll be fine..." and then finding out the specifics of the accident.

It's Caitlin's 20th birthday today. She called and is not really doing much for her birthday. "It always snows on my birthday," she said. I said, "I'm just glad you're home and safe this year rather than where you were two years ago."

It is amazing how far we've all come. I remember that time of my life as complete chaos...in my car, planning my next trip to Boston, trying to take care of everyone...everyone except myself. I remember Caitlin hanging on...within inches of her life for months...not knowing what life had in store for her...

And to look at us all now...so much has changed. So many good things have come, some not so good...but, the most important thing for me is that Caitlin is alive and is doing better than she may have every done if not for her horrific accident.

Me? I'm able to set much better boundaries for myself and my family. I am much more able to choose things for myself that are good for me and my family rather than what is good for others. It's very interesting how easy it is to care for others and not for yourself.

With Christmas approaching, I think back...think back two years ago when Christmas was just another day. Christmas will be just another day this year, but another wonderful day. Another day to celebrate life and all it has to offer, all that is has given. A day to be with people I care about and love deeply. Another day to be thankful that I'm alive.

Ode to KatieBell

brown nose
shiney and wet
kisses cover my face
with the scent of
musty old girl

your undying love
for your humans
your gentle spirit
giving them permission
to say
goodbye.

May your spirit soar
to the doggy heaven above.
May you run
play ball
and
eat steak
every moment
of every day.

May you look down upon
your humans
and send them
love
and
comfort
each day
for the rest
of their lives.



we will miss our dear neighbor Katie Bell.

passing judgements...

We all do it. More than we realize:
-did you see the guy with the cut off sweatshirt walking down Maine Street? What a dork!
-that kid must come from a bad family...did you see his clothes?
-that woman thinks she's "all that" with her skinny jeans and high heels
-that guy is a loser! he's homeless!
-your girls' birthmother's must be terrible people to lose custody of their children!

and it goes on and on, right?

The other day I was talking to a neighbor, asking him how his brother was doing. "Not good," he replied, "he's almost died three times in the past 3 months." His brother is a drug addict and alcoholic. He is also the father of a teenage daughter. He has custody. Her mother is worse off. We went on to talk about the circumstances surrounding the "near deaths." They were, not surprisingly, drug and alcohol related.

I then asked about his neice...how is she? Where is she? He didn't know. He did know that she was living with her boyfriend during the summer. He then went on to comment on what type of parents they must be to allow her to live with them....

I agreed for a moment.

And then the next moment hoped and prayed that we were wrong...that those parents were doing his neice a huge favor by giving her a safe place to live...away from the constant chaos and uncertainty that she faced in her home. I hope and pray that she is still there and far away from her father...

A few years ago my husband and I invited a young woman into our home because our home was the safest place for her. Her biological parents are emotionally abusive and no relatives could "put up" with her behavior.

She lived with us for about a year. We wanted to provide her a safe, loving home to live in while finishing her senior year of high school. At the time, we had just welcomed two of our daughters into our homes full time through adoption. Our home turned upside down very quickly.

The most troubling factor in this young woman living with us was her boyfriend. He was a drug user/seller and did not treat her well. I tried to coach her through some tough conversations and situations but, ultimately, she was in love with him and did what she could to stay with him.

She moved out. It wasn't a positive split. Donny and I vowed to love her no matter what...but we didn't see or talk to her for a long time.

She moved back home with her toxic mother, she moved into the boyfriend's parent's house...she finally found an apartment of her own...I learned this all through the grapevine...never talking to her directly.

It was the night of her birthday, a year later...we went to dinner and she was our waitress. We all fell in love all over again. I felt terrible that I forgot her birthday...I think she felt terrible that she hadn't talked to us in so long...

The ex-boyfriend was in jail, we were a bit happy...at least he wouldn't be influencing her any longer...she had a new boyfriend...everything was grand...

So we started our relationship all over again. We became extrememely close...closer than ever before, me calling her my "fraughter" (friend/daughter) and her confiding and entrusting me to her life stories. Our children were so happy to have her back in their lives. WE were so happy to have her back in our lives.

and then the ex-boyfriend got out of jail.

and then she saw him and told us about it....

and then I cried.

I cried, and cried and cried...by this time we had helped her get a good job. She still had her own apartment and was working hard to make her life her own...and now I knew that he would ruin it.

But then I thought about who she is to us. Who she is -period-. She is a strong young woman who has taken care of herself since she could walk. If she chose to be with this man, then it was my duty to HER and to my family to not pass judgment based on his past. It was MY job to accept him because I trust and love her.

Her birthday was coming up again...we invited the two of them to dinner. I was a nervous wreck. What if I still hated him? Why did I hate him? Because of what he did to her. My hate was not hate, it was...you guessed it...FEAR. I was afraid he would hurt her again.

What is my point??? I'm getting to it, I promise!

It is not my place to judge any other human being. I can have an opinion. But judge? That's not my job. This young man has gone through hell and back and he's working very hard to be the best person he can be. It is my job to support and love him. - period-.

Isn't that how we all function in life? With our family and friend supporting and encouraging us?

What if you had people judging you each day as a failure? A loser? A detriment to society? If you did, what incentive would that be to be a better person?

I believe that we all have the capacity to be good people. If we have the supports and encouragement around us, we can do anything.

I can't promise my fraugher that she won't get her heart broken again, and he can't promise that either. I can promise her, however, that will love her forever and ever...no matter what.

Who are you placing judgement on? What is your judgement based on? Fear?

Think about it...

Love and Fear...up close and personal?

Custom artwork...words in hearts say "peace, hope, love"

A few weeks ago, Hannah and I were selling our art at the Cumberland Craft Fair here in Maine. We always meet interesting, thought provoking people and view it as part of our "profit."

Two women came to our booth and were so excited about our work. They radiated positivity and love. It was so uplifting! They were sisters, here on vacation. One of the sisters really liked  a piece I had painted but wanted different words...so the other sister asked if I could paint one for her...of her sister, with the specific words "peace," "hope," and "love."

Initially I was afraid...afraid of failure...they wouldn't like it. It wouldn't be that good. The same negative messages kept reeling through my head...but then...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I painted the piece

I drove it down to them at their motel in Old Orchard Beach during an intense summer rainstorm late last week, just in time before they left for their homes. They were thrilled with the piece and also very thankful that I had driven it down in the rain.

I was not only thankful for the work, but thankful to have met these wonderful, caring souls.
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I drove home with a smile on my face

Last week my family and I were stopping to enjoy the last bit of summer at Cote's, a local ice cream shop in Brunswick. We had brought along our dog, Gracy, who is an almost 13 year-old black lab. My 10 year-old daughter was holding Gracy on her leash. Gracy spotted something exciting up the street and turned to start barking. Immediately my daughter was accosted by an older woman who yelled, "Get that dog away from me! That dog almost made me fall!" I was so taken aback, as was my daughter and the rest of my family.

I took a breath...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side
I spoke to the woman:

"I'm very sorry ma'am. My daughter..."
"I don't CARE about your daughter. I CANNOT fall! I will break my hip! You get that DOG away from me!"
wow.
"Ma'am, I'm very sorry. Yes, you are afraid. The last thing we want is for you to fall. I will see to it that my dog does not come near you."

I could have yelled back.
But...
love prevailed
fear got dropped to the side

Why didn't I yell? Because the woman was reacting from fear. To yell would have been reacting to my OWN fear...and that would have solved nothing. I was able to set an example for my husband and children, to the woman and her friends, to the workers at Cote's...that you do NOT have to yell back. You can approach every situation with love...if you choose.

Have you had a situation where you were faced with fear and chose love instead? It may sound hokey...may sound "touchy feely"...and it is to a certain degree. But I encourage you to try it. Let me know how it goes...

Crazy Little Thing Called...life

Life gets crazy, doesn't it? No matter how hard we try to stop it, life seems to take hold and have it's way with us. I'd like to say that I don't enjoy it, but it does keep me going...gives me a charge. I get so much more accomplished with I have a lot to do...

Which is the place I seem to find myself these days. Hannah and I just finished up our first, might I add VERY successful, week of Girl Time Art Camp. I am also preparing for a fair this weekend. This week I found myself juggling working all day, spending time with my children, making dinner AND making art. Oh, and did I mention that I have a husband that I try to spend time with? It has been a crazy week, but I've enjoyed each and every moment of it.

So crazy is good.

Bye, bye Blackie

There are times when I wonder just how much of me is in my children. I see them on a daily basis and see so many differences between them. I, of course, don't self-see very well, so it's hard to tell if what I see in them is, indeed, me.

This afternoon I had the great fortune of seeing myself in Jolee.

I am such a lover of nature and animals and have always just assumed that my children would see that in me...if not emulate my passion. Meka has always been that way...she can't watch movies with animals for fear that they will be mistreated. She would rather go to the barn to be with horses than spend time with her friends. She insists that we cannot get another dog or cat until the ones we have die...it wouldn't be fair to them, she claims. She loves animals.

So back to Jolee...

Her favorite chicken, Blackie, died today. For some strange reason, the fox left her in the chicken pen. I went in to get her and put her outside of the pen so that the fox could come back in her own time and get Blackie. I guess I thought that, if not the fox, something would get her for it's afternoon snack before the kids came home from school. I was wrong.

I told Jolee and Meka what had happened and Jolee immediately wanted to see Blackie. We went out back and she picked Blackie up and put her on a bench to look her over. She touched her gently, stroked her feathers and said soothing words, "oh, Blackie. It's okay. I love you. I miss you, girl!" She then tried to open her eyes and beak...kind of gross, but so "Jolee" with her experiential existence.

We decided to bring Blackie to a place out in the woods for another animal to have. She carried that chicken around for quite sometime and even tried out a few places before she found the "perfect" place for Blackie. She picked some leaves off the ground to make a bed for her, added some behind her head for a pillow and then managed to find a bug to kill and put on her "for her to eat later." And she bent over and kissed Blackie goodbye.

It was beautiful.

If nothing more, I have taught my girls that we are all part of a whole. That we must be good and kind to every living thing...no matter how small.

Frivolous Friday...

Why frivolous you ask? Because I have no assigned "tasks" at hand. I have been working steadily, but not really on any "must do" items. It's so refreshing!

I've baked muffins and blackberry squares for the school yard sale/bake sale tomorrow. I haven't baked in so long! It feels good and the house smells incredible!

I have a meeting for Meka at school today. We had a bunch of testing done to try to figure out what's going on for our little pumpkin pie. One pretty big thing that's happening for her is adoption stuff.

I am so thankful that I'm adopted so that I can talk to her and really understand how she feels. I do not feel threatened. I do not feel cast aside. I can FEEL what she's feeling because I have felt it, too.

She misses her birthmother, wants to see her. She wonders what she's like. Why she couldn't take care of Meka. What she's doing now. Whether she would like the person Meka is.

For any of  you who know Meka, the last concern is a non-issue to the rest of the world...but to Meka, it's paramount.

I struggle with my answers to her. I know how she feels, yet want to protect her as well. I'm not sure what kind of person her birthmother has become. Will it benefit her to meet her? What will that do to her sense of self? So many questions with no answers...

So for now I just listen. I encourage her to write letters to her birthparents. I assure her that she is a wonderful person and that they would fall in love with her. I explain to her that they didn't have good parents and therefore, couldn't BE good parents...but that she has good parents and so she won't make the same mistakes when she's a mom. It's all so hard and painful.

Not sure of my point...just wanted to share with other adoptive moms...or moms in general...that it's okay to talk about the stuff that scares you. It makes it less scary and it validates your child's feelings. They are not trying to hurt you. They are trying to heal themselves.

A Little Bit of Art, and a Little Bit of Heart

I was reading a blog about how to have a successful blog...it said to stick with the point...to only write about one subject on your blog...not to have too many things going on.

What's the fun in that? Plus, it would NOT be in line with the way my mind operates.

I'm pretty sure I have some silly form of ADHD...some days I get a lot done, others I get a lot of nothing done! I flit from one thing to the next, not really doing much of any one thing. Oh, I get a lot STARTED, but not a lot DONE on those days.

On good days, however, I can tackle the world. But it's not just one world...it's many! Like a superhero!

YES! That's what I'll be! I'll be a superhero!

So, today's post will be a little of the other...the ADHD Leslie...

I had an incredible time teaching up at Kieve last weekend. Hannah and I lead our first ever Art Retreat and it was VERY successful! The "leading up to" time was incredibly stressful: will they like it??? but the "during" part was very satisfying, both for Hannah and I and for the participants. I'm in the process of making a slideshow of the weekend so you can see some of the work that came out of our adventure.

It's amazing to me that 11 women that don't really know one another very well can come together and explore art and life together. We sat down for that first meal not really knowing much about one another and, by breakfast on Sunday, we had learned scads about each others lives, interests, joys, fears...you name it. Women are incredible creatures. That's a fact.

One the home front, I'm feeling very detached from my family and life at home. I have been gone SO much over the past week...no laundry, no cooking to speak of, just crashing when I get home at night. Jolee has waited until she KNEW I'd be home to get sick. Poor little thing is down for the count with an ear infection.

Meka has spent most of the week working at the barn. I think she's found her "happy place" which makes ME very happy for her. She loves being around animals...and horses really fill her up.

Elvia is just happy to have some down time with me. I think the hustle and bustle of the week has done her in. She's drawing quietly in the other room, checking in periodically to make sure I'm still here.

Yes, love, I'm still here .

and this is my most recent project. It's a house made from a cereal box. We're actually teaching this class next Wednesday. I had so much fun putting in snippets about each of my family members in each window and decorating "Casa de Beattie!"

Enjoy your day. Get outside, breathe...

finally...some art that fills MY heart!

I finally got my act together and spent the day making art that fed my soul. I had a wonderful morning watching my girls together...helping each other, encouraging each other...being friends. It filled my heart with such joy. I spent the day celebrating their friendship in my art. I enjoyed myself so much.

It's amazing how much time I spend planning for my business these days and how little time I spend creating art. It feeds my soul, yet I tend to put it aside because I have other stuff to get done. Silly.

Technically I'm done posting about my adventures in parenting...as far as the Beyond Consequences class is concerned, but I have this last post...well, it might not be the last, but it certainly pertains directly to the class material.

Last week Meka asked us if she could go to a friend's house and we said, "no." She pitched a fit and stormed inside. The next I heard from her, she exclaimed that she was going for a bike ride. I looked up and saw a note taped to the window so that I could see it from where I was working outside in the yard.

"Mommy and Daddy, I know you hate me and that you wish you'd never adopted me. I have gone for a bike ride."

OUCH! NOT TRUE!!!

But I did have a few moments to think about my response. She had not gone for a bike ride but was up in a tree in our yard. I calmly went over to her and said, "Honey, I saw your note. Wow...those are some pretty big feelings. You said in your note that you feel like daddy and I hate you. Is that true? Do you think we hate you?"

She started talking...talking about how we "show off" in front of her friends and that she really wanted to go over to her friends house...she talked and talked and talked. I was finally able to say to her, "honey, I know this is probably hard to hear, but I love you and am very thankful that I adopted you. I feel so blessed that the Universe has put you and I together. I was just telling a friend today how much I love and adore you. I know you probably can't believe that right now, and that's okay."

More was said...that's the cliff note version...but this stuff WORKS!!! I am trying so hard not to react!

Today Elvia was snuggling with me and Jolee came in to snuggle on my other side. Elvia was SO mad! Later on the way to school she said, "Sometimes people don't like me and you don't like me."

Instead of my OLD response of "oh, yes I do honey...you're wrong..." I calmly said, "Oh, Elvia, you feel like no one likes you. That must feel pretty yucky inside." Again, she talked and talked and talked and eventually, not long at all, started talking about playing at school.

Phew! I still have a long road, but it seems less bumpy lately!

g'night!

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control...catching UP!

I have been remiss at writing and doing my homework for the Beyond Consequences class. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what’s behind my lack of motivation…well, not really. I KNOW what’s going on…just don’t really want to admit it.

We have spent the last few weeks talking about our own exposure to trauma and how that affects how we respond and react in our daily lives. When children are added into the equation, things just get intensified.

Without going into too much gory detail, I will tell you that I have experienced a great deal of trauma in my life. The obvious ones were my initial separation from my birthmother, my parent’s divorce, choosing to leave my mother’s home at age 14, my struggle with bulimia,  the dissolution of my in-law’s marriage and, last but certainly not least, my struggles with infertility.

I have been in therapy…oh, dear, have I ever! I have seen so many in my lifetime. I have grown and learned so much with each experience, but have never fully dealt with the trauma in my past. I had always assumed that since I knew it existed and was able to label it, put it in a box and stick it on a shelf  that it was not affecting me.

After listening to the webinars on past trauma and how it comes out in our parenting, I suddenly realized that all of those boxes have holes in them…the trauma leaks out of the holes and comes into my being when I get agitated or stressed.

Most people have a pretty high threshold for stress and chaos. Children are great barometers for our stress. Those parents with a high threshold don’t get agitated very easily. The are the ones that keep calm and regulated while their children throw tantrums or cut their hair or smear excrement on the walls. Those of us with trauma in our past aren’t quite that lucky. Our fuses are very short. It does not take much to explode into fits of anger and rage.

I was happy and also quite sad to get this new information. I was happy that I finally had an answer to why I got so deregulated so quickly while my friends always seemed to remain calm and regulated with their children.

I was sad to realize that I still have so much work to do to. It takes so much effort for me to stop in my tracks and breathe…to realize that they are NOT pushing my “buttons,” that they are being children. They are looking to ME for regulation. If I’m deregulated, how in the world are they going to be able to shift from their state of disregulation into a state of calm?

So what have I done differently in the past few weeks?

I have learned to breathe. I have learned to take a moment BEFORE I explode. BEFORE I react. If Elvia is about to go into a tailspin about Jolee sitting too close, I do NOT send her to her room. Instead I approach her, get down to her level and talk to her about how she is feeling.

“Wow, you are feeling so deregulated this morning! You are feeling afraid that Jolee is going to get my attention this morning, aren’t you? I bet you want mommy all to yourself, don’t you? Well, I’m here right now and I love you and I’m never leaving you.”

And we hug and it’s done.

In the past I have yelled and screamed, accused and fought to the bitter end and NO one felt regulated in the end.

Here’s another example of the kinds of changes I’m making with my children:

We have been talking about giving our children allowances. We have discussed it a little bit with the girls, mostly with Meka. We had explained that she would be responsible for doing some extra chores around the house in order to get money each week. The money would be hers to spend on things that she wants…after discussion with us and approval from us.

Yesterday she got off the bus and explained to me that a friend of hers wanted to play. I immediately got annoyed…I don’t like surprises and do not appreciate my children dictating our afternoon schedule. I immediately thought about ME and not about HER and what SHE was feeling.

“You have chores to do at home.”

“I don’t want money. I’m NOT doing chores.”

“Well, you can forget about having a playdate! In fact, you might be spending the afternoon by yourself in your room!”

Disregulated. Gross. Yuck.

But I could FIX it! I could approach her again after I had calmed down and had a chance to breathe.

I found her in the house…didn’t yell to her, but found her and approached her with a calm voice, “Meka, I’m hearing that you do not want to do extra chores. Is that right?”

She was able to articulate how she was feeling. She told me that she doesn’t mind taking care of the animals and picking up her room and helping with laundry. She doesn’t like taking the laundry off the line because the clothespins fly all over the place. She doesn’t like emptying the dishwasher because it takes a long time and she can’t reach everything.

We were able to come to a compromise. I told her that I heard her. That I understood the chores that she didn’t want to do and that I was willing to do those things myself. I told her that I appreciated her telling me how she was feeling about the chores.

Big sigh. We did it. I did it.

And so this is my work. To stop and take a minute BEFORE I react. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I always have the opportunity to have a “do-over.” I’m teaching my children that it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as we are humble enough to make it right.